XpressOutLoud

How do you know when you’ve pulled too far? When do you stop because whatever you say or do after that point is the point of no return? I hung a poster over my teenager’s door that says: Anger is one letter away from Danger. I believe it is a true statement.

Have you ever pulled on a rubber band? Try it. First pull it, as hard as you can, on one side and hold the other side steady. Then pull on both sides, also as hard as you can. What happens? It will stretch as far as it can and then, it will break, leaving you with two broken pieces. Or it will snap back and hit you when you least expect it.

My husband says that a power battle is like pulling on a rubber band. One is standing still, holding his ground meanwhile someone pulls and pulls. Or two can play this game; pulling and pulling testing each other. Either way, the outcome will be the same. The pull will eventually force one to collide with the other or something breaks between them. Neither scenario is one that those involved in can recover from. And it’s quite simple really, because the rubber band represents the strain a relationship can be put in. And just like a relationship when it is broken it is extremely hard to put back together again, if ever.

We see this situation a lot and the sad part is that it is usually within family. Why? simply because relationships in a family are the only ones that can stand so much strain for long periods of time. We were taught to respect and accept our family the way they are. You don’t get to chose them as you would friends. You are generally born into a family or married into one and the basis of the relationship is taking the members as they are. You can of course, get along better with some than others but, the fact that they are all in the same package is inevitable.

I for one was taught that no matter how little you like a family member, he/she is to be respected and treated the same as the rest. I grew up in a family that, I guess, as many others had problems.

As a child I saw this with innocent eyes and thought that grownups were crazy. They have a fight during Sunday dinner and next week we were back there, eating together again. I personally loved playing with my cousins so I didn’t care. It came to a point when “the children” would imitate the adults and their arguments making fun of them, it was all a game. But now, as an adult myself and a parent, I see how harmful and unhealthy it can be and just how far one can push the relationship.

How hard it is to establish boundaries? How hard it is to know when that comment was just too much? How hard to go back next Sunday and go through it all over again!

What is critical is for those stuck in the middle of these battles or wars. In every battle or war there are always “casualties” and in a family, the innocent are usually the ones who pay dearly.

How hard is it to just walk away? After a while it isn’t the issue nor the fact that you are right or wrong; it’s the two (sometimes three or four, any number of people) involved and at the end of the day, the relationship between them that is at stake.

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