XpressOutLoud

When you look for articles/blogs/comments about how to fit in little comes up. Maybe some about teenager; one would think that only teens feel like an outsider, but what about adults fitting in? May times during life, adults are obligated to fit in as well; relocating, joining an association or club, or changing jobs.

For those who have relocated, the fact of being in a completely different place can be nerve wrecking and one has so many things to do that fitting in, is not one of the top priorities (unless you are moving into a dorm). For those who have joined a club or an association, they at least know they have a common interest or goal with the others.

But what happens in the work place? With so many changing jobs because of the economic situation, some have found themselves not only in new jobs but in new work fields all together. They are truly outside the loop, and though this might not diminish their abilities, work ethic or their commitment; it is an obstacle to overcome.  And let’s face it, there is much more on the line when one finds a new job than when you move or join a club.

So how does an adult fit in? Do the same principles apply as when one was young? Depending on what kind of childhood you had this is an issue that most kids have been through one way or another and some more than once. I for one traveled a lot because of my father’s work. This I think gave me a thick skin; I learned to be a bit superficial and to put up a persona just for the occasion. But I don’t mean this in a bad way, though it took time to know me and of course not everyone liked me, I learned how to portray the person I knew would be liked without losing me; which I must say is hard and is what loses some kids when growing up. They would do just about anything just to fit in, and some unfortunately do. But that is a completely different story…

So, back to fitting in the work place. Now as I’ve become an adult, time has changed my point of view about fitting in. Though I do not wish to be an outsider any more than I did as a child, I don’t want to be accepted unless it is me that people are accepting. I will always be polite and courteous. I will always respect people and their opinions but I do not wish to be friends with everyone I meet.  They have passed from my friends to be to coworkers. And that’s ok I don’t need to be invited to every party any more.

As the years pass I have found out that true friendship is hard to have and harder to keep. So if you are in this situation. Just relax and be yourself. Always remember that the main thing about fitting in is being a part of something and as you work with your coworkers on different projects you begin to have things in common. Just remember to be polite and respectful and except nothing less from your coworkers and things will move along easier.  So for those with new jobs out there, congratulations and good luck!

Who were you when you woke up this morning? Are you the same person you were a few years back? I think everyone changes in their life time. Not everyone notices it nor does it always affect their life. You see, it is amazing to me when people know what they want early on, say a kid who wants to grow up to be a doctor. They start off knowing if not who, what they want to be. I never really had that. I have been undecided for most of my life.

That is why I ask… who were you when you woke up this morning? Were you the person you dreamed of becoming when you were a child? When did you know you wanted to be that person? For some it seems obvious, I for one have basically bounced around trying to find me or that person I want to be. This lifestyle has giving me the opportunity to reinvent myself several times. I have been an “artist” no not really, but have express myself through my career, graphic design on several occasions. I have been a volunteer involved in all sorts of projects. I have been a teacher as well and not to my children (that comes with motherhood) to paying students… I have taught music to toddlers for crying out loud. I have no idea why I was hired to do that. I have tried out all sorts of fun and dumb things. Always looking, trying to find the person I want to be.

But I have to say that I have been able to keep my two feet on the ground and not do anything really stupid thanks to my loving husband and children who let me be but remind me that no matter who I am at the moment, I will always be mom and wife to them.

Now, that might sound idiotic, since I just stated that I have done nothing extraordinary like trying to become a circus clown or working as a night guard… but when you decide that you are going to write a book for example (and this I did) and take 6 months to sit and write it, I could have been told by my family that I was crazy, instead what I got was all the support and encouragement I needed.

Every time I think of some new person I want to become, I have had nothing but the best from my family. I have been a mother and a wife; these personalities are the ones that I have never, nor do I ever want to give up or change because I find them to be fulfilling and rewarding more than anything else in my life; I reinvent the other part of me for intellectual purpose and for personal growth if you will. People, this is the only way to go. Be who you want to be, do what you want to do, but make sure that you have support and a place to come home to when you want to reinvent yourself again.

So to my family; thank you for being there ALWAYS! And thank you for believing in me, I think this time, I have found what I need/wanted/was dreaming of and though it has cause some commotion at home I am always happy and grateful to be able to come back home to you. 

How do you know when you’ve pulled too far? When do you stop because whatever you say or do after that point is the point of no return? I hung a poster over my teenager’s door that says: Anger is one letter away from Danger. I believe it is a true statement.

Have you ever pulled on a rubber band? Try it. First pull it, as hard as you can, on one side and hold the other side steady. Then pull on both sides, also as hard as you can. What happens? It will stretch as far as it can and then, it will break, leaving you with two broken pieces. Or it will snap back and hit you when you least expect it.

My husband says that a power battle is like pulling on a rubber band. One is standing still, holding his ground meanwhile someone pulls and pulls. Or two can play this game; pulling and pulling testing each other. Either way, the outcome will be the same. The pull will eventually force one to collide with the other or something breaks between them. Neither scenario is one that those involved in can recover from. And it’s quite simple really, because the rubber band represents the strain a relationship can be put in. And just like a relationship when it is broken it is extremely hard to put back together again, if ever.

We see this situation a lot and the sad part is that it is usually within family. Why? simply because relationships in a family are the only ones that can stand so much strain for long periods of time. We were taught to respect and accept our family the way they are. You don’t get to chose them as you would friends. You are generally born into a family or married into one and the basis of the relationship is taking the members as they are. You can of course, get along better with some than others but, the fact that they are all in the same package is inevitable.

I for one was taught that no matter how little you like a family member, he/she is to be respected and treated the same as the rest. I grew up in a family that, I guess, as many others had problems.

As a child I saw this with innocent eyes and thought that grownups were crazy. They have a fight during Sunday dinner and next week we were back there, eating together again. I personally loved playing with my cousins so I didn’t care. It came to a point when “the children” would imitate the adults and their arguments making fun of them, it was all a game. But now, as an adult myself and a parent, I see how harmful and unhealthy it can be and just how far one can push the relationship.

How hard it is to establish boundaries? How hard it is to know when that comment was just too much? How hard to go back next Sunday and go through it all over again!

What is critical is for those stuck in the middle of these battles or wars. In every battle or war there are always “casualties” and in a family, the innocent are usually the ones who pay dearly.

How hard is it to just walk away? After a while it isn’t the issue nor the fact that you are right or wrong; it’s the two (sometimes three or four, any number of people) involved and at the end of the day, the relationship between them that is at stake.

It is funny how one is desperate for something and when you have it, you could not have anticipated all that having it really means. This is something we tell our kids all the time but don’t always apply for ourselves. “I want a dog” the little ball of energy and enthusiasm states. Our answer is a long list of things and obligations deriving from that ownership, thus denying the petition (ok, maybe it’s just me).

But when we want something, we don’t always see the big picture. Because you see, when you wish you had something, you rarely think farther than that. It could just be lack of experience in the area; buying a house for the first time, big wish big step and little knowledge.

Or simply denial; you know, like when you want that amazing huge Xmas tree that will look oh, so beautiful in the living room, but you didn’t want to stop to think that it sheds. And that you don’t have enough decorations to fill it up, so you will have to go buy more stuff that will have to find a place in your attic/garage in a couple of months.

In my case, my wish was my “dream job”. After having looked for so many months and having done the résumé/cover letter/interview dance, finally I got a job; and it happens to be the job I really wanted. I for one wanted a job that would challenge me, that I could learn in, that would allow me to meet interesting people and yes, even travel. Well I got it.

So what’s the problem? I am certainly not complaining this is merely a thought and reflexion process on my part regarding wishes and the outcome. Because I think that one of the things we always overlook when we wish for something, is those around us. I have a family; one that I adore and that is at the centre of my universe. My children had little to do with my decision regarding this job because they don’t have any real grasp on the situation, my husband did. And we did talk about it and understood that changes would have to be made.

But the children who were not asked for their opinion will see changes immediately. I always had the opportunity to be there for them and to share with them. I was a homeroom mom for almost all of my children’s classes, altering between them from year to year. I have always been the mom who volunteers to help out at the school play and that can pick up children from school when other moms have a problem.  I have been actively involved in everything they do in school or afterschool. I was always at “home”.

Now I don’t mean to say that I will not be able to do any of these things, but for the first time in almost 16 years I have not volunteered for homeroom mom, for example. I’m just saying that you should always think about what you wish and see it play out in your life and that of those around you. You might still what it. Or you might not after realizing what it truly means in the long run and not just for you.

So in my case, I am happy really; this is just a time of change, adjustment and new challenges. And I did ask for those didn’t I?